Harry Potter and the Cauldron of Shipping
by Thalwen The Stabby
Summary: It's Harry's third year, a mass-murderer on the loose and a new, powerful magical artefact that Voldemort would totally love getting his hands on (but first he needs hands). Also lots of killer rabbits.
1. The Song of Our People

Chapter 1

(All Harry Potter stuff is J.K. Rowling's work, all other stuff belongs to whoever it belongs to except for the stupid stuff I write)

It was a dark and rainy night on Privet Drive where Harry Potter's life was more miserable than ever. Not only was he locked back in the cupboard and starved and beaten with a cane. He was also subjected to Aunt Marge's dogs mauling him while he slept. Furthermore, to make things even worse, Uncle Vernon was very angry about not being included in the town's musical theatre and he would sing to Harry non-stop, and he sang very loudly and very poorly. Not only that, he would sing in full costume. Of course, even though everyone knew this was going on, no one bothered getting him out of there. Finally, he was fed up waiting for his friends and decided that he'll just leave and nothing bad will happen.

Harry packed his trunk and took Hedwig and was walking down the street. He could still hear Uncle Vernon singing Gilbert and Sullivan terribly off-key and wondered why no one in the neighbourhood had complained or bothered to murder him yet.

"_I AAAMM THE VERRRRRY MUUUUDEEEEEEEEL OF THEEE SOOOMEETHING SOOOOMETHING!..."_

And then he saw something... something terrifying... a glimpse of something so terrible...so horrible... this author trembles to describe it...

It was... a white rabbit... YES, A WHITE LITTLE BUNNY... no, it's not cute! It's a vicious little thing with big, sharp pointy teeth and it will rip out your throat and feast on your flesh!

Harry ran but he had been spotted, the rabbit leapt, teeth bared... Harry had no choice but to pull out his wand but he stumbled backwards and fell to the ground. Just then, a purple taxi cab arrived, nearly running Harry over.

"Where's the Knight Bus?"

"Out of service, owl got stuck in the engine,"

"Ouch!"

"Yeah, bloody mess, started it up, bloody feathers everywhere."

"Well... it's nearly midnight; I've been horribly abused for the last month and was nearly killed by that rabbit so just take me to... I don't know, Diagon Alley seems good."

"Did you say rabbit?" The driver looked surprised.

"Laugh if you want, that's a cruel, evil beast with big, pointy teeth! If you're so brave why don't you go fight it."

The driver looked very nervous, "Oh, one of those rabbits, nasty buggers, lost my second-cousin's neighbour's sister to one of those, bloody mess it was. Say... what's that awful racket?"

"My uncle singing, he's trying to get into musical theatre."

"Bloody hell, let's get out of here." And the taxi magically sped away.

Finally they reached Diagon Alley. It being midnight the only thing that was open was the Leaky Cauldron so Harry went in. Oddly, the undersecretary to the secretary to the Minister of Magic was there waiting.

"Hello Harry! The minister is... indisposed... he's been... toadified..." The woman looked rather upset and Harry wondered if he'd been turned into an actual toad, then again, it wouldn't change things much.

"Anyway, I'm Wilhemina Snell, undersecretary to the secretary to Minister Fudge. Sorry about the whole not getting you out of an abusive situation for years and years and continuing to do so. Dumbledore said it was absolutely necessary for something or other, we didn't really inquire. But now that you're here, just hang out until the school year starts. Oh and stay away from anyone claiming to have the Cauldron of Shipping, I won't tell you why because it will peak your curiosity."

"I suppose if I ask you what that's all about, you're just going to deny saying anything in the first place so I won't ask, hope Minister Fudge is feeling better."

"Yeah, yeah," she muttered under her breath, "Oh, one other thing, there's a mass murderer named Sirius Black who's broken out of Azkaban and plans to kill you but don't worry about that." And with that she apparated.

Harry got a room at the pub and laid down on the bed and dreamt of rabbits, and cauldrons... and rabbit stew... mmm delicious rabbit stew...


	2. Killer Rabbits Are A Girl's Best Friend

Harry spent a few weeks in Diagon Alley which were nice as no one was singing and there were no rabbits in sight. His friends finally came to see him even though they could have just used floo powder at any time.

"Hermione! Ron! Ron...what's wrong?"

"Hermione got... a rabbit."

"He's cute! Look he's white and fluffy and I'm going to call him Bitey because it has these really sharp pointy teeth and likes to bite things! The lady at the pet store gave him away after he killed a customer."

"He's going to eat my pet rat! Look, Scabbers looks all worried and upset."

"He's 13 years old, and Bitey doesn't want to kill him, he looks like the kind that likes fresh meat."

"Guys, stop arguing, let's go get our supplies for school."

They bought all their supplies for third year, Ron also purchased _The Idiot's Guide to Resurrecting People From Horcruxes,_ by someone named Marmot Devil Drool, because Scabbers was indeed looking very anxious and wouldn't calm down until the book was bought.

"Wonder what a horcrux is," Hermione pondered.

"I'm sure it's not important, the rat seems to really like it," Harry replied.

Hermione looked puzzled as to why a rat would want a book and who Marmot Devil Drool was but she had to stop thinking about that because Bitey bit off the arm of Dean Thomas.

"Nice rabbit Hermione!" Dean said earnestly but weakly because he was losing a lot of blood.

"Thanks, you should probably get someone to fix your arm or you'll bleed to death!"

And so he did.

Back at the Leaky Cauldron, Harry told them about the rest of his summer – being mauled by dogs, Vernon's singing, the rabbit almost killing him and the lady from the Ministry telling him about the Cauldron of Shipping and the mass-murderer Sirius Black breaking out of prison.

"Oh wow Harry, that sucks. If only there was a really powerful wizard around that seemed to know everything that went on that could have helped you with all that," Ron said.

"Cauldron of Shipping? I've heard stories about that..." Hermione said.

"Stories?"

"Well, muggles have these things called ships. Normally they just transport things and people by water. But I heard there's a magical ship, one that traps people with other people they don't like on that ship, and they stay on the ship forever and have horrible and impractical things happen to them. But that's just a legend."

"That sounds horrible," Harry said. This was exactly the kind of thing that Voldemort would be after but Voldemort wasn't back yet and he wondered if this mass-murderer Sirius Black was stupid enough to go after such a thing or would just kill him.

Finally it was time to go to Hogwarts and they were all at the train station getting their trunks loaded onto the train. Hermione was forced to put Bitey in a special cage to keep him from killing anyone which she was quite upset about but as most underage wizards didn't know how to put limbs back on or mend organs, she had no choice. Right before Harry got on the train, Arthur Weasley pulled him aside.

"Harry, just one thing. Don't go looking for Sirius Black."

"Why would I do that."

"I'm not going to tell you because that's going to peak your interest. Just don't do it."

"Yeah, ok."

The only compartment that wasn't occupied had a man sleeping in it.

"Wonder who that is," Ron said.

"Remus Lupin, his name is on the trunk," Hermione said sharply, "He's probably the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor."

"That might be the name of the trunk..." Ron replied. Hermione slapped him.

"Look," Harry said, "The trunk also has a sticker 'totally not a werewolf,' that's reassuring."

"Indeed, it nearly being a full moon and everything and with Bitey not being here to protect us."

"Protect us? More like murder us."

"He does it out of love."

Hermione and Ron continued to argue like this for hours and hours.. Suddenly then, the train came to a halt and everything seemed to grow cold and dark and everything began to spin and then he heard a scream and an awful voice...

"DAAAAAAAANNNCCIIING QUUUEEEN, SHEEEE'S A DAAAANCIING QUEEEN...ONLY SOMEEEETHING SOMEEETHING!"

"Harry! Wake up Harry!"

"Make it stop, for Merlin's sake shut the man up! Make him stop singing!" Harry was screaming, he was drenched in a cold sweat.

"Harry," Hermione said, "No one was singing."

"Here, eat this," the man in the compartment gave him some chocolate. Harry was a bit confused but it seemed to make the memory of the awful singing go away.

"It was a dementor, one of the guards of Azkaban, they make you relive your worst moments, your worst feelings," The man said, "You've had a lot of bad stuff happen to you Harry, that's why it affected you so much."

"You fainted, mate," Ron said, "Oh and Malfoy saw you and now the whole school is going to laugh at you."

"Great... just great."

Where was Bitey when you needed him.


	3. Teacups and DOOM!

They got to the castle and sat down at the great hall for sorting.

Dennis Creevy, Collin Creevy's younger brother, who was bleeding all over the place got in Gryffindor and was extremely excited.

"I fell in the lake and the squid pulled me out and then there was this rabbit that got out and I think it ate part of my liver! And is that Harry Potte..." and then he fainted from blood loss and had to be taken out.

Dumbledore went to do his usual speech,

"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts. Now, this is a school, so nothing too horrible should happen to any of you, unless your last name is Potter or you associate with him in any way. The Forbidden Forest is off limits, and dementors are going to be patrolling because the mass-murderer Sirius Black is out to kill Harry Potter, so you all should probably avoid them, and him as well. Oh and here's our new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor, Remus Lupin, who is definitely not a werewolf!"

"Maybe it's the trunk's name," Hermione mocked.

"It could have been... lots of people name their trunks, besides, your rabbit nearly killed Colin Creevy's brother," Ron said angrily.

"It was just being friendly!"

Harry sighed; the argument wasn't going to end any time soon.

The next day, Hermione and Ron were still arguing, half of Gryffindor Tower was in the infirmary due to Bitey getting out of his cage. Professor McGonagall warned Hermione that if this happened again, Bitey would need to be muzzled. Scabbers was looking much better, _The Idiot's Guide to Resurrecting People From Horcruxes_ really improved his mood. 

After breakfast, the trio went up to their first lesson, Divination. None of them knew why they signed up for the class in the first place. Their task that day was reading tea leaves.

"Professor! Mine looks like a killer rabbit biting off my leg and feasting on my entrails!" Lavender Brown said cheerily.

"That is a good sign. Killer rabbits are good luck. Losing your leg means you'll get to star in a play and the entrails mean you'll be in good health."

Harry looked at his cup, it didn't look like much but it seemed to look like a happy field of flowers, with the sun shining overhead. When Professor Trelawney came over, she nearly fell over and knocked the cup to the ground.

"DOOM! DOOOM!" She shouted, looking horrified, "Flowers! The universal symbol of a horrible and painful death and a happy sun... DOOM! DOOM!" She was so taken aback by this reading that she dismissed the entire class with no homework.

"Can't be too bad if we get no homework," Ron said happily (Hermione looked furious).

"Maybe she was right," Harry said, "Bad things seem to happen to me constantly and there is that murderer out to kill me and Voldemort."

Their next class was Defence Against the Dark Arts which went a lot better. They got homework which made Hermione very happy and Professor Lupin had them fight a boggart which took the form of one of their greatest fears. It was great fun but for some reason was skipped over. After class he approached Professor Lupin.

"Why didn't you let me fight the boggart?" Harry asked.

"I'm sorry Harry, I thought Lord Voldemort appearing would have frightened the rest of the students too much."

"It wasn't Voldemort that came to my mind," Harry answered.

"Well, let's try then," and with that Lupin opened the cupboard with the boggart. Vernon Dursley appeared, wearing a full length gown and wig and began to bellow, "THEEE SOOOMETHIIING! MUUUSIC OF THE NIIIIIIIGHT! SOMETHING SOOOOOMETHIN..." Lupin quickly got in front of the cupboard and Dursley changed into a bottle of flea ointment which Lupin turned into an ordinary bottle of butterbeer with the _Riddikulus _charm.

"Um...that's quite scary. I stand by my decision, the rest of the class would be horrified."

"I hear that every time the dementors come close."

"I can teach you the _Patronus_ charm. That will handle the dementors, as for your uncle... If he keeps it up, your neighbours will probably murder him which will solve the problem."

"I hope so. You're afraid of flea ointment?"

"Just ignore that."

"Professor, you're more competent than the rest of the Defence Against the Dark Arts professors we've had, do you know anything about the Cauldron of Shipping?"

"The Cauldron of Shipping? Yes, it is rumoured to be a foul piece of Dark Magic. Five-hundred years ago, a wizard was upset that a fictional character in a book married what he thought was the wrong person, so he created this Cauldron that is capable of withstanding a very unique potion to match up that character with who he thought he should be with and changed the story in a plausible way for it to all make sense. But then, an evil witch stole the Cauldron and changed it so that it would take people and force them together in completely ridiculous and sadistic situations. Once in, there is no way out, even killing yourself will have you resurrected in some stupid manner or another. The only way to escape would be to destroy the Cauldron and it would take very powerful magic to do that. I doubt even Dumbledore would be able. But it's legend, only legend Harry."

"So was the monster in the Chamber of Secrets..."

"That's true. But it's something that Voldemort would want and Voldemort isn't back yet."

"What about Sirius Black?"

"He's more of the regular stab and murder type."

Harry went up to the common room, somewhat relieved. If the Cauldron was real, it would surely be something Voldemort would use but like Professor Lupin said, Voldemort wasn't back yet. When he got to the common room there was a huge row between Ron and Hermione.

"You can't prove it was him!" Hermione was shouting, almost in tears.

"Scabbers is gone, his favourite book, the only thing that was keeping him going is gone! And there's blood everywhere!"

"That's only because Bitey mauled Neville Longbottom! And he doesn't even like books!"

Harry went up to his dormitory, Scabbers was indeed gone as was _The Idiot's Guide to Resurrecting People From Horcruxes_.


	4. Screams and Sparkles

Ron and Hermione were still arguing. Neville was fully healed but had a huge craving for rabbit stew. It was time for the first Quidditch match of the year. Hufflepuff against Gryffindor.

Everyone took the field and Gryffindor was beating Hufflepuff as it's well known that Hufflepuffs are fond of the hobbit pipe weed and live close to the kitchens. And then a swarm of dementors took the field. Madam Hooch whistled and gave them a red card for interference but dementors don't understand the rules of Quidditch so they continued to swarm. Harry felt everything going cold and dark and he heard screaming and then... "YOOOOOOOUUUU AAAAAAREEEE MYYYYY SOOOOMETTTHINGG!" and all was black.

He came to in the infirmary. "What happened," he said groggily, "I saw dementors...and that singing.. that awful singing..."

"Just rest Harry," Ron said looking worried.

"The dementors swarmed the field, everything went to hell and then you fell. The professors conjured some silver stuff and Dumbledore used a spell to keep you from becoming a living demonstration of the rules of gravity," Angelina Johnson said.

"What about the match? And my broom?" Harry said, suddenly worried about his prized Nimbus 2000.

"Cedric Diggory was sparkling for some reason, the dementors looked really creeped out by that so they left him alone and he caught the snitch. Oliver Wood was so devastated that he offered himself willingly to Bitey. He lost an arm and a leg but Madam Pomfrey said she can fix them... as for your broom," Angelina trailed off.

"Tell me," Harry said, looking worried.

"It nearly fell into the Whomping Willow but was intercepted by a cat, and the cat declared it to be 'MINE' and you don't argue with a cat once it declares something to be 'MINE." Angelina said in a worried voice.

It was true, one of the rules of the wizarding world, and the world in general is that once a cat declares something to be theirs, you don't mess with that. Ever. Still the thought of a cat flying around on his broom and him having to use the school ones saddened Harry.

Once he recovered, he went to see Professor Lupin again to learn the _Patronus_ charm. He wasn't about to start sparkling and he needed a way to deal with the dementors.

"Just think of your happiest memory," Lupin told him.

That was no easy feat. Due to years of abuse at the hands of his aunt and uncle as well as the constant attempts to have him killed and/or expelled from Hogwarts, Harry did not have a lot of happy memories. He thought of the time he flew on a broom the first time.

_"Expecto Patronum!_" A small silver whisp flew from his wand.

"Not bad for your first time, but you need a happier memory."

Harry thought about the first time he found out he was a wizard and was told he was going to Hogwarts. This time a faint silver rabbit appeared.

"Wow, a rabbit patronus, those are rare, and quite effective. Keep practising and you'll have a genuine killer rabbit patronus."

Harry was pleased, although he felt bad. Ron was already having enough trouble dealing with Bitey, he didn't want him knowing that his patronus was a killer rabbit. However, when he got to Gryffindor Tower there were bigger problems. The portrait of the Fat Lady was being removed as it was covered in paint.

"What happened?" Harry asked.

"Someone tried to repaint the Fat Lady," Dean Thomas answered.

McGonagall ran up to the scene looking worried.

"Who did this?" She asked the portrait who was looking very upset about the whole thing. Then again who wouldn't be if they were covered in green paint.

"It... it was Sirius Black! He came with paint and a paintbrush muttering about how he was sick of me hanging over Gryffindor Tower and how he was going to make... improvements." She sobbed.

The portrait was removed for restoration and instead they got Edvard Munch's "The Scream" which was quite annoying because it would scream and run away every time you tried to use the password so it took ages to get inside.

A few days later, Harry was doing his Divination homework, which was predicting he would die a horrible death by being thrown into a muggle blender with fruit and milk and made into a giant high-protein smoothie when Ron came in looking happier than he had been since Scabbers disappeared.

"Look Harry! Scabbers is back! And he looks happier than ever, poor thing lost his book but I'm just glad to have him back."

Suddenly Harry felt a terrible pain in his scar, as though his head would burst open and a high pitched laugh.

"Thank you Peter, incompetent as you are. It's a good thing I wrote that book for idiots. Ahh so nice to have a body again... if I only had a nose," The man sighed, "Oh well, time to kill Harry Potter and I know just the way."

Harry came to, realising whose voice that was.

"Ron! Ron! Shut up about that rat already!"

"What's with you?"

"My Voldie-sensor just went off... he's back Ron. Voldemort is back."


	5. Welcome Back Lord Voldemort

Ron and Hermione looked at Harry, worried. His Voldie-sensor was pretty accurate. It did go off at some random moments leading to great hilarity like the one time when it went off and everyone went in a bloody panic and it turned out to be just a nice guy who was looking for his lost ring.

"Are you sure?" Ron asked.

"Of course I'm sure." Harry asked sharply. He was the one with the Voldie-sensor after all.

"Maybe we should tell Dumbledore or consult a book?" Hermione suggested. But obviously Dumbledore wouldn't be helpful until after they had gotten themselves into mortal danger and he didn't know that there were any books on evil-villain sensors in existence.

"Let's just ignore it like usual,"

They agreed and went on with things.

Everything was back to normal. Scabbers was back, happier than ever. Divinations class had gone into a routine of predicting Harry's terrible demise. Today they were reading cards, of course Professor Trelawney had surmised that Harry's four aces meant that he was going to be impaled, have his heart ripped out while he was still alive, poisoned and then clubbed to death.

"If Voldemort is back, I hope he never finds her, she'll give him ideas," Harry grumbled after the lesson.

That day they had Care of Magical Creatures which was being taught by Hagrid because who better to teach a class on animal care than a man who thinks giant spiders are 'misunderstood." Today they were in for a treat. Hagrid had brought Meowbats, which were basically giant cats with wings.

"Now Meowbats, they're basically like your average cat, except they're big, they can fly and have teeth and claws commensurate with their size," Hagrid explained, "Now does anyone want to try and pet one?"

It was all going quite well, the Meowbats seemed happy playing, napping. And then Draco Malfoy rubbed the belly of one of the Meowbats three times, instead of the requisite two, which of course meant that the Meowbat had to bite. Malfoy screamed in pain as blood gushed from the bite on his arm which appeared to have severed a vein or two.

"Oh stop whining Malfoy," Hagrid said, "It's just a flesh wound."

But Malfoy wouldn't stop complaining and Hagrid agreed that he should go to the infirmary.

"This isn't going to go well," Ron said to Hagrid after the lesson, "Malfoy will want revenge."

"He shouldn't have rubbed his belly three times, everyone knows that!" Hermione said angrily.

"He did lose a lot of blood..."

"Yeah but that poor Meowbat, I call him Claws because he likes to claw people even more than biting them."

They went from that lesson dejected. Poor Claws was probably going to be in trouble, and Hagrid too, all because Malfoy had the gall to nearly bleed to death.

"Well, at least tomorrow's Hogsmeade weekend," Ron said stupidly. Hermione slapped him, remembering that she was still mad at him.

Third years and above were allowed to visit the local village of Hogsmeade on some weekends. It was a fun little village full of shops and a Shrieking Shack which no one questioned even though it sounded like people getting murdered in there on a regular basis. However, to go to Hogsmeade, students had to have a permission slip signed and with Harry's aunt and uncle beating him, starving him, feeding him to the dogs, etc. etc. they surely weren't very inclined to sign a permission slip.

"Oh sorry Harry, I forgot... I'm sure you'll have plenty of fun in the castle though," Ron said.

The next day was Hogsmeade weekend. Harry gloomily saw Hermione and Ron leave, each giving him guilty looks. Then suddenly he was stopped by Fred and George Weasley who had something very important to tell him.

"We found this in Filch's office one day. It's a map of the castle and it shows where all the secret passages out are. You can have it, we already have them all memorised."

Harry went back to his dormitory and put on his invisibility cloak and waited for everyone to leave. Then he heard something suspicious near the Gryffindor fireplace. A short, balding man was talking to a nose-less, high-pitched man in the fire.

"Everything going as planned?"

"Oh yes, we'll have the Cauldron of Shipping soon... very soon."

"Good, very good."

Harry suppressed a gasp. Voldemort was talking to someone, probably Sirius Black. He ran to Professor McGonagall and told her what he heard but when they went back all they found was Scabbers warming himself in front of the fire.

"Really Potter," McGonagall said and walked away angrily.

Harry sighed and decided that he'd better go to Hogsmeade and tell his friends about what he saw. He came out in his cloak at the Three Broomsticks where Professors McGonagall, Flitwick and Sprout were sitting around drinking.

"Potter swears he saw Sirius Black," McGonagall said, "But one does not simply walk into Gryffindor tower. Its gates are guarded by more than just that _Scream _painting. The great eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly."

"Um...Minerva?" Flitwick asked, rather confused.

"Yeah, ignore that, wrong script.. anyway, it's guarded by that _Scream_ painting."

"Sirius Black... who would have thought." Sprout said, sadly.

"Yes, being Harry's godfather and having taken that pledge to not become a Death Eater at school," McGonagall sighed.

"You know, nearly everyone who took that pledge ended up becoming a Death Eater," Flitwick said.

Harry had had enough. He left the Three Broomsticks quite upset and gone to the first place you should go when you are irrationally upset, the Shrieking Shack and today it sounded like someone was being murdered quite viciously.

Inside, strangely no one was being murdered. There was nothing but some old furniture and a cauldron. Once Harry calmed down, he grew bored of the house and left back to the castle. Back in the Gryffindor common room Harry told Ron and Hermione everything.

"There's no way Sirius Black could have gotten past the _Scream_ painting," Hermione said, "We can barely get past it."

Harry excused himself and went up the dormitory to go to bed. Suddenly his scar burst open with pain and his Voldie-sensor was activated.

"He found it!" Voldemort seemed very happy, "He found it! The Cauldron of Shipping! And it's mine! All mine! Mwahahahaha."

Then Harry realised what had happened. The cauldron in the Shrieking Shack must have been the Cauldron of Shipping. And Voldemort had found out about it somehow... and now he had it.. this was not good, not good at all.


	6. House Elf Magic Makes Hermione Mad

Harry told Hermione and Ron what he saw. They all agreed that they should see Dumbledore, but when they came to his office, they were told that he was off because someone handed him the wrong script and he was escorting something called hobbits to someplace called Isengard.

"Ok, so You-Know-Who has an old cauldron, they probably have better ones in Diagon Alley," Ron said. Hermione slapped him.

"Guys, please don't start again, this is serious," Harry said.

Then, suddenly there was a rustling and the mass-murder Sirius Black appeared with a knife.

"Someone called for me?"

"No."

"Ok, I'll go back to being mysterious and creepy and not explaining crucial plot points even though I can," and he started to disapparate.

"You can't disapparate in Hogwarts," Hermione cried angrily, "How many times do I have to say it. It says so quite clearly in _Hogwarts: A History_."

"I'm a house-elf animagus," Sirius said, "It gives me the power to God-mod myself out of any situation."

"That's quite clever," Hermione replied.

"Wait, did you say crucial plot points?" Harry asked.

"Yes, well first of all it's not just an old cauldron and second of all that rat of yours Ginger-boy..."

"ERMAGHERD! ERTS SERHEOS BHRLERCK!" Colin Creevy, who appeared out of nowhere, cried and Sirius Black disapparated with his mad House-Elf-God-mod skills.

"Colin? What the bloody hell did you do that for? He was just about to tell us stuff... though that was rude calling me Ginger," Ron yelled.

"You are Ginger, Ron, that's why the dementors don't affect you, and don't yell at Colin, he'll be dead by the end of the story," Hermione replied.

"Hermione!" Harry said in protest. He did not want his friends fighting.

"Well, it's true."

"Ok, well the cauldron is apparently dangerous and Voldemort has it which means we're in trouble. I remember seeing it in the Shrieking Shack, maybe we should go back there and see if Voldemort left any clues," Harry said.

The trio got Harry's invisibility cloak and went back to the Shrieking Shack, Hermione took Bitey for protection but put a muzzle on him so he didn't maul them all to death, there in the hall they found Colonel Mustard with the candlestick and a bunch of muddy footprints as well as muddy rat prints.

"Ron, when you were in Hogsmeade, did you take Scabbers?" Hermione asked.

"Yes, of course, I suspected he might want another book, that last one made him so happy. But there wasn't anything and he got disappointed and ran off. Weren't any more books on horcruxes, rats must really like those things."

"Ron, do you know what a horcrux is?" Hermione asked.

"No, it probably isn't important."

And then everything suddenly started spinning and then... Hermione disappeared. They could hear her shouting... as well as Draco Malfoy...

"Help! I'm stuck here with Malfoy! We're being forced to kiss!" Hermione was yelling.

"Get away from me you filthy mudblood, eeew eeew! She's kissing me! Help! Wait until my father hears about this!" Draco was screaming.

"Oh Draco! I love you marry...no! Stop I don't even like him! Help us!"

"Hermione, you've made me see... that mudbloods aren't filthy...yes! Yes they are filthy! What the hell!"

"Harry! Do something! It's getting worse!" Ron shouted, but then he disappeared as well.

"Harry! Harry! Millicent Bulstrode is kissing me! Squishing me! Hee," And Harry could hear Ron gasping for breath.

"Ron Weasley! Together we will have many happy babies... if you don't die of suffocation," Millicent was saying. Then he heard Professor Lupin.

"Sirius... after all this time," Lupin said, "Um... Harry could you go away, this isn't a conversation that's appropriate for young ears."

"Yeah Harry, twelve years in Azkaban... give us some privacy please."

Harry heard many other yells and screams. Someone who was named Tonks was being made to kiss Bellatrix Lestrange.

"She's my aunt! This is bloody wrong!"

"Potter whatever you and your stupid friends are up to, stop it immediately! I am not, and have never ever wanted to date any of my students!" Snape was shouting in protest.

And then Harry felt the ground spinning beneath his feet and he was being transported... into someone's arms.


	7. Harry and Voldie Sitting In A Tree

Harry was embracing someone, he could feel his lips getting closer to a nose-less face.

"Voldemort?"

"Well this is bloody awkward," Voldemort said, kissing Harry.

"What is going on?" Harry said, kissing Voldemort back.

"As you can probably tell, my great evil plan backfired. The legendary Cauldron of Shipping was supposed to torture you, to make you go mad... instead here we are... my how that scar brings out your mother's green eyes..."

"So you're back?" Harry felt a strange weight in his stomach.

"Yeah, Peter Pettigrew was hiding as the Weasley boy's rat and you were stupid enough to buy him that book and well... it was written at the idiot level."

"Who's Marmot Devil Drool?"

"I am, you stupid boy! Haven't you ever heard of anagrams? That's kind of my thing you know."

"Oh right, that makes sense."

"I wrote that book before all that unpleasantness when my killing curse misfired. Just in case something like that happened. A lot of my followers aren't the sharpest wands in the sheds."

"Good thinking, too bad all your other plots are so stupid." Harry said, kissing Voldemort again. He looked down at his stomach. Pregnant. He was definitely pregnant.

"Ok, now this is just getting silly," Voldemort grumbled.

"So, how do we get out of this situation?" Harry said. At this point both of them weren't very pleased with the situation.

"We can't. The Cauldron of Shipping is legendary... it has no solution, it will just keep pairing people who don't belong together until the entire world is engulfed in awkward misery."

Harry sighed and continued to snog Voldemort.


	8. When Rabbits Unite

And then, when it looked like all was lost, the inexplicable happened... Rabbits, dozens of white, killer rabbits, thirsty for blood. And then, Harry found himself on the ground. No Voldemort, no Mary Sues, no Malfoy.

"Run Harry! Run away!" Hermione screamed.

They ran and ran as fast as they could. The ground was littered with rabbits. They had destroyed the Cauldron, the dementors, both the Creevy brothers and anything else that was in their path. Although they had escaped the terrible Cauldron of Shipping, they were faced with a new, lethal threat.

They ran until they reached the castle. McGonagall shut the door firmly behind them but the rabbits were gnawing away at it. It was only a matter of time before the rabbits broke through the door and killed them all.

"Hermione, what did you do?" Harry asked, severely out of breath.

"I shipped Bitey with a female rabbit... and you know how rabbits are... multiply like mad. In no time at all, they had a bunch of adorable, vicious little babies and they took care of the Cauldron but You-Know-Who escaped at the last second."

"At least I don't have to marry him and have his children." Harry shuddered, remembering his pregnant stomach.

"Everyone to the Great Hall!" McGonagall shouted, her voice amplified so that the entire castle could hear.

Inside, Dumbledore, who had finished taking the hobbits to Isengard, and the staff looked very worried. Dumbledore, betraying his usual calm self finally gathered the courage to speak.

"Attention everyone! It has come to my attention that an army of killer rabbits is attacking the castle. Although Hogwarts has many magical protections, we lack the ability to hold them off for long. If we don't have a solution soon, we will be overrun. They are coming, they are hungry for human flesh!"

"Wait," Harry said, "Do you remember Sirius Black saying he had God-mod powers from being a house-elf animagus?"

"Yeah but where is he?" Ron said.

"Let our powers combine!" Hermione shouted.

"Um... Hermione... wrong script," Harry said.

"I know but it works." So they did combine – Fire! Water! Earth! Heart! Air!

"By your powers combined... I am Captai...er... Sirius Black!" And Sirius Black appeared.

"Stand back guys, I'll handle this!" And he did, he used his house-elf God-mod powers and the killer rabbits disappeared.

Everyone sighed in relief though many were confused.

"Why was I kissing Weasley?" Millicent Bulstrode was shouting. Snape looked like he was about to be sick. Draco Malfoy ran to the Slytherin showers yelling that he had to get the mudblood off of him. Hermione was too upset about Bitey disappearing to care either way. Professor Lupin and Sirius Black were snogging in a corner.

"Sirius, thanks for saving us, seriously," Harry said.

"Yeah... great pun kid, now some privacy please?"

"We have to get you out of here, here, why don't you fly on Claws to some undisclosed location where you can be miserable," Harry said.

"But I have important plot points! And besides... TWELVE YEARS IN AZKABAN!" Sirius shouted.

"Harry is right," Dumbledore answered, "For reasons that don't make any sense, get on that Meowbat and fly! Fly you fool!" And reluctantly Sirius complied.

And then Mrs. Figg came with baskets of kittens for all.

"May there be no more ships, and may you all live happily with your many cats."

And they all became cat ladies (and gents) and lived happily ever after. Uncle Vernon wasn't murdered but a very nice muggle family offered him a full-time position of singing for profoundly deaf children which satisfied his need to sing and amused the children greatly.

All was well. (Well, except for the part about Voldemort being alive and trying to kill everyone)


End file.
